In case you’ve been wondering how to be offended, here is my guide. If you don’t get offended easily, or at all, that’s a great thing. I don’t know why you would want to learn how to be offended, but here are some tips to guide your downgrade towards becoming easily offended.
1) Convince yourself that you’re very special and important. Convince yourself that most people on Earth already know how special you are, and know the important role you play on Earth.
Believe that the Earth revolves around you and that scientists simply haven’t figured it out yet. It’s okay, it’s only a matter of time before scientists figure it out.
2) Don’t have a strong purpose in life. Be a piece of paper floating around on a windy day. Let life’s current take you where it wants. This will help you become easily offended. If you get very upset when they mess up your Starbucks order, then you’re well on your way to achieving mastery in offendednessery.
3) Pay close attention to as many news outlets as possible. Understand, that they’re personally attacking you. Ignore the fact that they have no idea who you are, but instead focus on the few words that you identify with.
4) Get involved in every pointless cause that comes your way. Worry about it. Lose sleep over them. Pretend that your life depends on it. Fight for the pointless cause as if your survival depends on it.
5) Ignore the fact that nothing is ever black or white (there’s always a gray area). Find an extreme on every issue, and relentlessly argue/ fight for it. Ignore the other extreme. Don’t try to understand the other side. They’re probably wrong anyway.
Those are my 5 tips on How to be Offended.
*Yes, this is a joke. I don’t recommend doing any of the above tips. Getting offended is a waste of time.*